In case you missed last week’s introduction to this series and recap of the Bachelor season 21 premiere, here’s a quick rundown:
Each week, after watching The Bachelor with my wonderful fiancée, I’ll share my perspective on the drama that unfolds as Nick Viall, a veteran of the show, embarks on the unrealistic quest for Mrs. Right.
I’m doing this for the guys out there who sacrifice their Monday nights during Bachelor season. I’m doing it for people who want to laugh with me at the show. And, most importantly, I’m doing it for love.
Here’s what we saw in episode two: (This post contains spoilers. If you didn’t know that until this parenthetical, you should work on your context clues.)
In the second week of what seems to be a competition for which woman can make Nick feel most uncomfortable, we saw two topless bachelorettes, six breakups and an actually-somewhat-pleasant one-on-one date mixed into the middle. Corinne and Liz stole the show, but only one survived the second episode. Gasp!
Wedding photo shoot
If Nick’s plan is to inject unnecessary emotion and set several relationships up for failure, taking the girls on a wedding photo shoot on date No. 1 is a great strategy. At least one girl says she already wants to be Nick’s wife, because what’s love, really, if you don’t know he’s the one after nine minutes?
And since this is The Bachelor, the early professions of love and a photographer who looks like he’s wearing a 1980’s ski suit with the pants and sleeves cut off aren’t enough crazy.
We see a questionable-for-television “Adam and Eve” getup that consists solely of a few strategically-placed leaves. In a competition for who can wear less clothing, Corinne comes out in a bikini top because that’s obviously normal wedding attire.
In a cringeworthy move, Corinne takes her top off in the pool and then brags that “I didn’t come to this shoot with no clothes, I was daring enough to take my clothes off.”
Of course, she gets the group date rose, much to the chagrin of the more normal women at the shoot.
In what unexpectedly turns out to be Liz’s swan song on season 21, she says seemingly 67 times that she and Nick met and hooked up at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.
Since I work for an ABC affiliate, I’ll do the network a solid here: Hey everyone, if The Bachelor and The Bachelorette don’t quench your thirst for for drama, watch Bachelor in Paradise! It’s like the other shows, but it’s more risquée and it all happens on a beach. And JADE AND TANNER FOUND LOVE THERE!
Jade and Tanner. Jade and Tanner. Jade and Tanner. Got it? Cool.
Next, when the girls are competing for Nick’s time, Corinne steals him away two separate times. Then she makes the term “re-interrupted” a thing and I tuned out for a bit.
Danielle, who seems far too nice to be on the show, gets the first one-on-one date. They land a helicopter on a yacht, as most couples do on their first date, and proceed to make out in a hot tub and on a ferris wheel.
At dinner, Danielle drops a truth bomb about her ex, who she says she found dead after he overdosed on drugs. That’s heavy stuff, and actually led to the first mature conversation of the season.
Breakups for days
But, worry not! The chaos was restored with a second group date, which entails six girls breaking up with Nick at the Museum of Broken Relationships, which is apparently a thing.
They predictably find Nick’s (almost) engagement ring he had planned to give to a former Bachelorette, because the “Nick-has-been-on-this-show-a-hundred-times” dead horse hasn’t been sufficiently beaten.
Josephine tells the camera she “hasn’t had these feelings since she was a teenager,” and I laugh. Later, she slaps Nick as part of her breakup.
After a series of mostly light-hearted “breakups,” Liz reads a powerful and factually accurate note from a diary of some sort (who doesn’t bring a notepad on a date?), and Nick hates it.
Liz tells the camera she came on the show “to have a conversation” with Nick and get to know him. As if signing up for the show, going through casting calls, taking a leave of absence from your job and going to California is easier than just shooting him a text.
The quote of the episode comes from Nick, when he says, "The more I talk to Liz, the less she makes sense."
There’s no rose ceremony, but Nick sends Liz home because DUH. He then tells the girls he had relations with Liz at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and the show ends with “to be continued.”
Guys, I crushed it in Bachelor fantasy this week. Haaf Of My Heart went 7-for-7 this week. While the teaser for the episode gave away the wedding photo shoot, I had to take some risks to run the table.
I went all-in against a baseball date and figured skydiving wasn’t in the cards, guessed correctly on the first one-on-one date and knew Liz would spill the beans. And if we’re talking Bachelor, always assume there’s a hot tub.
Copyright 2016 WFAA